I don't know what it is about late nights that prove to be the best time for pondering. Maybe it's because of how still the quiet is allowing your mind to process emotions, ideas, or plans without distraction. Or maybe it's simply because we cannot sleep due to anxiety, excitement, or insomnia. Whatever it may be, I find myself diving deep into the jumbled mess that is my head and thoughts begin to flood my mind.

The thought of oneness was on my mind this evening. How when you marry you and your husband become one flesh. Most days I go about my business knowing that I am one with my husband, but only until he is absent, do I fully realize how truly one we are. I miss him, but what I'm feeling is something deeper. A spiritual and emotional bond only God could give a husband and wife through marriage. I realized how everything I do, is with my husband in mind. When I go grocery shopping, I always bring home something sweet for him just because, or call him on my way home from one of my cleaning jobs to say I'll be home soon. I marvel at God's design in marriage. How He has perfectly made us for companionship with our spouses and how He has designed for our hearts to long for our other halves when apart.

Another thought was about the sermon I listened to this morning from our Pastor Mike Brown from CURC Santee California on Luke 15:1-7 on lost sheep. Something struck a chord with me and it was when Pastor Brown said this: "We are infinitely valued even when we like sheep have gone astray. He is a persistent shepherd who searches for us and brings us back to Him. No one is beyond the reach of God's grace." I could weep just repeating that last sentence. How many times have I forgotten my place and to whom I serve? How many times have I taken all of our blessings for granted and basked in the thought that it was because of my hard work? How many times have I selfishly thought that I deserved better? Oh how I need to repent! I know I will daily struggle with sin, but what I walked away with today is how little I do to remind myself of God's grace and need for prayer. I must strive to do better. With God's grace I shall do better.

 I am not even sure if what I wrote makes any sense or is even coherent. All I know is that I am a lost sheep desperately in need of my persistent Shepherd.